Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Of Derek and Uranium

I would never define people as a whole as a "big picture" group. No, we are a reactionary lot. Forget "what have you done for me lately?" Try "what have you done for me in the past five minutes." Because those past five minutes will define everything there is to know about a certain person or subject.

I live in the vast NY suburbs. As such I am privy to an incredibly diverse set of AM radio options. However, you'd be surprised how, after awhile, these options all seem to morph together into one steady drone. Seven conservative talk-show hosts repeating the same playbook. Traffic updates on the tens, although the traffic reports should be reduced to, simply, "everywhere." Stock updates. Curtis Freakin' Sliwa (don't ask.) Commercials. Commercials. Commercials. Commercials. And Sports Talk Radio!

I love Sports Talk Radio, and not only because I love sports, I love the callers on which Sports Talk Radio depends. Nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE can one find the type of reactionary behavior of which I speak. Sports Talk Radio is THEE microcosm of the human condition. Hear me out.

Enter Derek Jeter of the New Yankees; 5 time World Series Champion, World Series MVP, four Gold-Gloves, multiple all-star appearances, Banger of the Stars, most recently Minka Kelly....
Now Batting

and all around perfect human being. Well, Jeter, before Sunday, was hitting a measly .256 with zero HRs. Let's go to the phones.

"Ya know, nowt fuh nuttin, maybe, ya know, he's gettin' old. no disrespect awe nuttin."

"Jeetah couldn't hit the side of uh bawn wit a beach bawl."

"He's swingin' like a rusty gate ova heeya."

Sorry, it's hard to capture, phonetically, the essence of the NY accent. Anyway, this is all well and good. Jeter is a lifetime .313 hitter. Jeter is pushing 37 and plays maybe the most demanding position outside of catcher while hitting 1 or 2. It isn't unfair to question his viability in the long term. And these comments of his apparent demise have come about over the first 30 games. Optimistic feelings have gradually turned into legitimate doubts. And then Sunday, May 8. Derek Jeter goes 4 for 6 with 2HRs. Let's go to the phones...

"I knew, I'm tellin ya, awe boys back!"

"This is it! numba 28 [number of world series the Yankees would have won should they win this year] heeya we come. Screw the sawx!"

"Yestahday rivaled the birth of my first bown son and the ressah rection [the caller does believe that resurrection is, in fact, two words] of awe lowd and savya Jesus Christ."

There you go. Even though these 6 at bats represent less then 5% of Jeter's performance over the 2011 season, and the 2HRs he hit represent the only two HR's he's hit all year and 40% of the extra base hits he's hit this year, all doubt had been cast aside. All realistic questions of his age and performance related decline be damned! He was El Kapitan once again.

Enter the Fukushima Plant. Please, if you would, from the NY Times. It's a tragic situation. But to completely restructure your country's energy policy because of a freak accident that has resulted in relatively little consequence? Unfortunately, providing unlimited energy to millions of people comes at a certain amount of risk. Ask coal miners. Or off-shore oil-rig workers. Or every single American that has died in the Middle East ensuring, if nothing else, that America has open and continual access to oil. Let's go to the phones...

"Nowt fuh nuttin' but newclea powah ain't safe"

"I don't give a rat's ass if dehs ove 400 hunnerd plants operatin' wowldwide. Aintchoo seen da news?"

"I don't want my kid glowin ova heeya. Fuhgeddaboutit!"

3 months later, [for the sake of argument and my silly blog,] The U.S shuts down all of it's nuclear power plants in response to the reactionary fervor over nuclear safety, lets go to the phones...

"If I can't get my friggin Gowge Fowman Grill runnin' I'm gonna busta head."

"Yoo got any idea da last time I looked at intanet pawn?"

"Yankees awe on in 5 minutes. Grams, stawt pedalin!"

1 comment:

  1. Utah is the worst place I've ever lived. I haven't lived a lot of places, but I can't imagine many being worse than the capital of the Mormon universe. I had to get out and back to the land of real beer.